i thought it was summer.

but then i realized, there was still a day of school left. :(

ello friends. 'tis currently 1 am here in Manitoba. and i just got home. I went to a friend's birthday party, and then i went to church with my parents cause they practiced with the praise and worship team. then i headed over to mcdonalds. funny story.

only I would have the guts to drag my family to mcdonalds so i could eat half my brother's food, and a bigmac meal, and piss off the tired mcdick's employees. all at 11 pm. haha. i knew they all wanted to go home. but i was hungryyyy. they were 45 minutes to closing, then we walked into the empty restaurant and ordered food and more people came after us, and the place had like 15 more customers out of nowhere. they probably hated us. haha.

and it rained all day today. boooooooooooooooo. i think the sun got tired of this town and decided to take a break. so he called in the clouds to stand in for him. they didnt do a very good job. it rained so much that the puddles in the road made tidal waves when being driven through. seriously, the splashwaves crashed ON TOP of our vehicle. we were driving an SUV. :\

mr. sun, sun, mr. golden sun. please shine down on me.
.. cause i miss you.

-aveline.

PS. SIMS 3 is amazing and i like to destroy lives.

SUMMER HAS COMMENCED
officially on Saturday.
i went swimming. for my friend's sweet 16. 8) and then i went to the red river ex to see Marianas Trench. I love those guys. and Josh Ramsay is a beautiful person. 8)

THEN on sunday, after church, i visited Polo Park Shopping Mall and got a smoothie. then i went to Birds Hill Park and swam at the beach. funnnnn . (: then i came home and we had steak for dinner.
LOL.
i had the funniest conversation with my mother. went something like this.

mom: " this is what they call 'real food'."
me: "MA?! THIS AINT NO REAL MEAL WITHOUT THE KANIN. WHERE THE RICE AT DUDE?!"

bahaha. just gotta have my rice. sadly there was no rice. but whatever.

and then on Monday i played sims 3 for seven hours. WOW i have to get out. imma get out today, its just that yesterday my brother was home too so i couldnt leave him alone. now hes at school. YAAAY ! home alone. yeah im going out. although i did enjoy destroying happy marriages and traumatizing small children on sims 3. but thats okay. ill do that tomorrow.

dude, this sucks.

today i realized some things:

• summer is coming so fast and its going to be amazing
• i've changed. a lot. and i dont think this path is headed to where i wanna go.

SUMMMERRRRR. :D
so my parents said no to going to Paris in Oct.2010 but im perfectly fine with that. and im awaiting confirmation to see if i can apply to be a counsellor in training at Bird River Bible Camp. My parents want to find out a bit more about the place before they agree to send me there for three weeks. If I can't do that, I plan to take a full summer of dance classes every tuesday night. it sounds ridiculous, but im serious about it. if they say yes to bird river bible camp, i'll do the second half of summer for dance classes. yes its hiphop. im thinking of filling in the spaces of my schedule with a summer job or volunteering opportunities.. hmm... OH AND I GET TO PLAY SIMS 3 AND PLAY GUITAR THIS SUMMER. whoooot.

and my parents have CANCELLED the Alberta trip. :( oh well. we might go camping instead. :D yaaaaay.

CHANGE :(
the one thing i dont like about change is that you cant see where its headed or if itll ever go back. and i dont like adjusting. lately, i think i lost control of myself. its like im just watching everything happen... not coool. i have to get back to the way i was. or find a way around my issue. i see my own flaws. i have to fix them. i want to fix them ASAP. cause i dont like the new me.


EDUCATION. :(
and today was my geography exam.. much easier than i expected it to be. except i winged like a full page of multiple choice questions about north-american waterways. :S anyway. it was so hot today, i almost got a nosebleed during the exam. idk if thats a good thing or a bad thing because it means the weather was hot and really nice, but i could have gotten a nosebleed during my exam, which would have deducted time from the two hours i had to write the exam. that would have sucked. tomorrow is my final exam, its for french class. i think i'll be okay. i hope. :|
i've never had much trouble in french, so i think ill be good enough.

MAN i have to stop settling for "good enough" and start trying for "best" cause its really bringing me down.

so. im excited. :D and i think ill continue blogging with no specific regular pattern of when ill blog. so itll be a surprise everytime. (:

watch out for more blogs. ;)

-aveline.

fail. no seriously.

so today, i got so mad. last week, we were doing our in-class exam project in digital multimedia. today was the last day. an hour every morning should work right? WRONG. i was really slow with this project so i didnt finish this morning. the teacher gave us today's lunch hour to finish up too, but because of a shortage in computers and the fact that the project is supposed to be on the data drive of the computer and not the network, i had to wait for the second half of lunch, because someone else needed the same computer. So, instead of standing around the room for a whole 30 minutes, i went and attended a meeting for choir about going to paris. THE MEETING RAN ON TOO LONG. AND I COULDNT LEAVE. and then, when i got back to the classroom, i got like 10 minutes, but the girl beside me wouldnt shut up and stop asking me for help so i got like nothing done. THEN, we were supposed to put the finished product on the external memory for our teacher to look at, but i forgot to, because i was already running late for class. SO NOW SHE WONT SEE IT AND ILL GET 0 ON MY EXAM. as if i SKIPPED it!

POSITIVES
the exam is worth 20% of our final mark, and i had an 81 for in-class work. good thing that 81 is higher than 75 or i would have failed the whole course. another good thing is that i am not taking that course next year. I'm hoping i still get the credit.

NEGATIVES
I failed. can't wait to hear what my parents have to say about that.

im so pissed off.

-aveline.

time for the sad poem.

Honestly, I wrote this poem out of nowhere. It's written from the point of view of a person who lost a brother because he killed himself, because they were both victims of child abuse. I'm sorry if i have no writing talent.

He smiled,
ike nothing could go wrong,
He laughed,
as if life was his favorite song.

But inside, he suffered.
He was dying in there.
He couldn't breathe,
there wasn't enough air.

He could no longer survive this masquerade,
its not something he could take.
He could smile all he wants,
but his heart would still ache.

At home, the screams didn't stop,
the pain never seemed to end,
the scars didn't leave,
the skin wouldn't mend.

He wanted the end to come,
but it couldn't come quick enough,
so he took matters into his own hands,
his life was just too rough.

I knew his pain,
I've been there before.
Wanting to leave,
your cold dead body on the floor.

I wanted to tell him,
that he was worth keeping alive.
I wanted to at least try,
to help my brother survive.

I ran in,
and my heart almost stopped.
I could see from his hands,
there was blood that dropped.

His expression looked pained,
like he had been thinking sad things,
I think he was hoping,
he'd get a pair of wings.

He was hanging in the closet,
his wrists were all slit.
His life had already ended,
he just couldn't handle it.

Today I cry,
cause I'm all alone,
I have to be in this world,
all on my own.

I wrote a letter,
to my brother yesterday,
It's been three days,
since he passed away.

My parents drunkenly rejoiced,
their son was finally dead.
One less problem,
over their heads.

I knew they didnt want me either,
So I didn't stay,
I gathered my things,
and ran away.

I'm out on my own,
I'll make it through,
and do the things
he didnt have the chance to do.

"To my dear brother,"
my letter read,
"know why you left,
why you wanted to be dead.

This world was too rough,
life was too hard,
You hated it so much,
you were always en guarde.

Now I tell you my brother,
I've known your pain.
To think everyone's life was great,
but yours was just endless rain.

Life would have been good,
if you didnt go.
If you just stayed,
and waited for the rainbow.

But you're already gone,
so theres nothing I can do,
except stay on this earth,
and prove to you.

I'll make it through,
I've come this far.
I won't give up,
I'll keep fighting this war.

To protect other kids,
Whose parents beat them too.
I want to stop the suffering,
so they don't end up like you.

You gave up on life,
So I'll let them know,
this is not the way
that the next generation should go."

Child abuse is a big problem,
that needs to be solved,
so the standers-by,
please step in, get involved.

the end.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

wow. cant believe i forgot.

I FORGOT TO MENTION ! fsdjfkkjsdfs

July 5 is when the Jonas Brothers come to Winnipeg! I'm gonna go see them, and i know i'll probably be criticized for saying this, but I'm EXCITED! :D

except. i think this was disappointing. just.

fail, joe. fail.

summer has been postponed. :(

yeah, it rained, just when i was expecting sunshine. oh well.

OMG SIMS 3 came out last week, and i found out on Saturday. I want it so bad! but since itll probably prove to be a distraction from my education and studying for exams. booooo. so. that is my new motivation to study. "after all this is done, itll be summer and i can go buy sims 3. YAAAAY!"

im so pumped for summer. a week till exams. :D next week, ill be at school for monday, tuesday morning, thursday afternoon, and friday afternoon. then ill be done for a whole week, and i'll only have to go back to get my report card. :)

my summer is going to be composed of:

• learning and playing the guitar
• sims 3
• puzzles (3d AND jigsaw, cause im so cool)
• movies
• hanging with friends
• watching dramas in foreign languages. :D
• and calgary!!! :D

NEGATIVES
unfortunately, ill be stuck at home during weekdays because my parents will be working so i will be left to care for my brother, who is still too young to be left home alone. ONE MORE YEAR. :D so ill be learning guitar and watching movies, and playing sims 3, and putting together puzzles. whoo, life! lol.

another downside to my summer is that i'll be going to calgary for a wedding which i am not attending. thats right people. im going for the longdrive so i can go sit in the hotel room while my parents go to a wedding.

POSITIVES
aside from all this glum news, i will be free to chill and sleepover all weekend long. every weekend. because my parents won't be working on weekends. i will also be able to chill on fridays, and some thursdays cause my dad will be taking days off on those days. hooray for time with friends! (:

AND, i get to go to west edmonton mall, AGAIN ! hooray! because of the uselessness of my trip to calgary, it has been extended so we can go to west edmonton mall, and i can go on a shopping spree and get broke, if im not broke enough after buying Sims 3. :D

YAAAY FOR SUMMER. its coming still, i assure you. (:

thank you for reading, whoever you are. xD

-aveline.

i might blog more this summer. (:

so this week is crazy. i have like 10 different overdue assignments. and i have to study for exams. which are in less than 2 weeks. :O stress level is rising! and being lazy as i am, i'm not getting anywhere with any of it. i've been thinking a lot about other things. other things that are more important than school.

and im thinking about what the heck im gonna do with this blog. cause the last two posts have just been vent notes to unnamed people. i might start using it for actual blog purposes maybe. and let people(people being whoever reads this) know what i've been up to. though, if you know me, i'm usually not up to anything. maybe i'll blog about my summer events. ;D

yaaaay. summer has almost reached winnipeg. (:

there's something i gotta say to you.. [8] (:

so. im not naming names.

1:call me if you need me. i wont be sitting by the phone, but ill run as fast as i can to answer it. i'm praying for you. and i miss you.

2: i like the way it is with us. the way we never have an awkward silence cause we're both used to our own silences. when we're together, we're both in different places mentally. and theres no need to ask eachother about it. (:

3: stop it. just stop. you may not realize it, but youre pretty much the definition of someone who uses people. you don't even talk to me anymore unless you want something from me. so your answer will always be no.

4:sorry but i cant tell you at the moment. its between me and someone else. we'll solve it ourselves, so don't worry about it.

define best friend.

best friend. noun.
wiktionary definition: an especially close and trusted friend

i thought that's what we were. and still are. but is it already past tense? we were best friends.

so i thought you trusted me. but i guess not. i mean, i know it's probably wrong to expect you to tell me EVERY SINGLE detail of your life, but i thought we were close. i thought you were comfortable telling me what's on your mind. but i guess i was wrong. when i tell you stuff, its usually the stuff that matters to me. yenno, DEEP stuff. Dude, i freakin' pour out my soul. and you don't even tell me anything anymore. its just the skin-deep stuff. you don't even tell me what's bothering you. its always just 'oh no don't worry about me, i'm okay.' or you tell me things so vaguely and i dont know what to say to help you cause youre usually just saying 'i have a problem but i wont tell you about it'. sometimes i feel like i don't even know you anymore.

I know its wrong to give and expect anything in return, but it hurts. it hurts, feeling like i've totally lost you. it hurts feeling like i've lost sight of your face in the crowd, i can't even fricken recognize you. I used to be able to pick your face out right away, but now its like you're just another stranger ill never see again in my life.

Before, it was fine, cause you hid things to prevent people from worrying. Now, it seems like you're hiding it only from me, but telling all the rest of the world. its like, all over facebook. i don't even know what youre going through but i hope you're okay. i think i might give up on trying to make this work again. it just won't be the same. trust me. oh wait. you don't. hah, what a cruel. sick. joke.

have a nice life, best friend. don't even know what to call you.

PS. last time, when you asked if my vent post was about you, i said no. sorry, i lied.